*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
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Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that