People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
You Might Also Like
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands