(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
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[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
I love it all
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.