me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
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What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”