Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
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This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
God returns to his desk with a midnight snack. He squints at a video feed of Earth. The plate of nachos falls to the floor in slow motion.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.