NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
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“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?