Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
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If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
How all things should be taught/explained.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
With this onion ring, I thee fed
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”