Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
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[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Doctors texting each other.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself