Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
![]()
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.