This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
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I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
I put the p in pants.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?