A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
You Might Also Like
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed