What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
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🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce