Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
You Might Also Like
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn