Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
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[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
the three genders
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Whoa 😂
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
When libraries troll their patrons.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.