Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv
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“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.