HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
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I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.