Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
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Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
me: my friends:
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
he’s doing your taxes
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….