Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
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The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
can’t believe I got front row seats
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My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Support your local cemetery
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.