[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
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Life cycle of cat
I can fix him.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.