#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
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[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!