@rocknthepurple

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

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@famouscrab

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

@prufrockluvsong

video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber

@MyshkinFool

HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?

@noog

I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.

@MumInBits

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

@House_Feminist

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

@3sunzzz

Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.

@SondraDeeMe

FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.

@baaabs_29

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

@SCbchbum

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.