I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
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GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.