I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

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yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird


video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber


HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?


I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.


5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend


are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men


Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.


FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!

My comment: So was the Titanic.


I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.


You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.