The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
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“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
#damn
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Ken is short for chicken
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os