Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
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HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I wish this was real life…
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed