[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
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I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!