Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
You Might Also Like
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
#JohnTravolta
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.