Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
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It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
🤣🤣
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.