Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
You Might Also Like
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information