Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
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Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
my lower back watching me try to live my life
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.