Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
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Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
just gave your address to some spiders
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”