Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
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Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
umm…
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.