😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
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Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.