Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
You Might Also Like
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Guy who likes music
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”