Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
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SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Ron is short for Aaronald
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁