I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
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We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*