The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
You Might Also Like
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
My purse is deeper than some people.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Awwwww shit.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Mornin
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.