The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
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[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Shark week, but for squirrels.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Erm…
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.