The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
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A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Best seat on the street 😍
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.