If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
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I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
this is funnier than any friends episode
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.