Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
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I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
she has a point
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Hard not to take this personally
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
how do y’all walk in shallow water
This headline is a thing of beauty
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them