You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
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If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
I am HOWLING at this
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*