I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
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*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I have never related to anyone more.
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My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates