I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
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Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
rapatouille
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Has science gone too far?
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.