Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
You Might Also Like
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
How actors in movies eat their food
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.