When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
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Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.