When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
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The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Matt Goss
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.