To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
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My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
I don’t think my car can fly
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit