My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
You Might Also Like
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win