40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
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[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING