You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
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[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
As the Lord intended
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
it was a valiant fight
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.