Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
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I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Finally
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?