Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
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Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Dietest Coke
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
crying
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit