Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
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Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Tremendous stuff
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Cinematography is my passion
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much