“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
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Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
When libraries troll their patrons.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Meanwhile in Canada…
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity