Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
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FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.