If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
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*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
when dads have a rap battle
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
can’t bark with your mouth full
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’