Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
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We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Other animals :
Other animals :Okay we get it
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”
-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”