Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
doing some research
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.