Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
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A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”